Verbal Self Defense, aka 'Verbal Judo',[1] is defined as using one's words to prevent, de-escalate, or end an attempted assault.[2] It is a way of using words as a way to maintain your mental and emotional safety. This kind of 'conflict management' involves using posture and body language, tone of voice, and choice of words as a means for calming a potentially volatile situation before it can manifest into physical violence. This often involves techniques such as taking a time-out, deflecting the conversation to less argumentative topics, and/or redirecting the conversation to other individuals in the group who are less passionately involved.
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Verbal self defense experts have widely varying definitions of what it is and how it is applied. These include everything from simply saying no to someone or repeatedly refusing a request to telling someone who has violated a personal boundary what you want. It could even entail a more complicated scenario in which you are called on to refuse to engage verbally with someone manipulative, to set limits, and to end the conversation.[3]
In any definition it is always agreed that verbal self defense is necessary as a means of enforcing personal boundaries and limits. Part of learning these skills includes learning how to identify communication triggers which cause you negative feelings and, in some cases, what those triggers represent with regards to what personal values the other person are violating.
The abusive types of communication that verbal self defense is designed to acknowledge and deal with also vary greatly. This includes indirect forms of abuse such as passive-aggressive communication, backhanded comments, and backstabbing or two-faced behaviors. As well, verbal self defense is meant to address more commonly recognized forms of abuse such as yelling, belittling, and name calling. Going beyond verbal attacks, abusive behaviors also recognized in the field of verbal self defense are aggressive posturing (taking a threatening posture or making a threatening gesture), physically interfering with personal belongings, and inappropriately intruding on one's personal space.
Most experts who write and publish articles and books on the subject of verbal self defense identify several key elements to strong verbal self defense skills.
Authors and professional instructors offering seminars and workshops have differing views with regard to whether or not verbal self defense is a form of 'Persuasion' and if 'Consequences' for the attacker should be considered a key component.
In the field of verbal self defense the one element not entirely agreed upon is the concept that verbal defense tactics include the art of persuasion. Several authors clearly proclaim that verbal self defense is designed as a means for persuading others; however, more recent books on the subject have denounced this commonly accepted fact.
The newer definition of verbal self defense divides persuasion into a category of its own and states that verbal defense tactics should be more in line with the concept of physical self defense. This idea, taken from ideologies of martial arts, puts forth the belief that verbal self defense should only be used with respect to maintaining one's mental and emotional well-being.
Just like a martial artist wouldn't use their skills against someone who wasn't threatening them, verbal self defense artists shouldn't use confuse their skills with being a means for influencing others. The concern is that personal safety and "getting your way" are not one and the same. Proponents of verbal self defense as a way to influence and guide others, however, believe that skills of persuasion can be used as a way to ensure one's mental and emotional safety.
The requirement for having a means to enforce "consequences" on people as a pre-requisite for effective verbal self defense still remains questionable. Almost every author on the subject includes ways of handling non-physical aggression without having any repercussions for the attacker in the event the conflict is not solved amicably.
With specific regard to verbal self defense in schools the concept of having consequences for bullying is considered by some to be key, where others are less focused on punishment and choose, instead, to put more emphasis on dealing with the aggressor in more positive ways.[4] Although this topic has only recently begun being addressed by experts in this field it remains to be seen to what degree the importance of consequences will have in handling interpersonal conflicts using verbal self defense.[5]
Leading authors in the area of verbal self defense and defensive styles communications offer several different techniques for defusing potentially volatile and/or abusive situations of conflict.
Being aware of situations that will likely lead to verbal conflict or abuse and making an effort to avoid them.
Once engaged in an argument, situation of conflict, or when being verbally attacked, making an excuse and exiting the area.
Changing topic or focus on the interaction as a means of avoiding any disagreement or negative reaction on the part of the aggressor.
Openly offering ideas and seeking ways to placate the attacker and/or their reasons for the abusive communication.
Websites and news stories stating the rise in bullying in the workplace[6] and on the playground[7] has led to a recent increased in awareness of the art of verbal self defense. Considered a form of communication, verbal self defense has become a sought after skill in schools and workplaces around the world as a way to counter this unhealthy trend.
Incidents of school and workplace shootings have put strong emphasis on being more aware of bullying, and consequently the need for a means to respond to such events have led to a growth in the field of verbal self defense. Today, more and more individuals are presenting themselves as verbal self defense experts and offering individual and corporate training, both on and offline, as a way to battle bullying at school, in the workplace and on the internet.
With the increased awareness of bullying in the workplace, it has become necessary for companies and organizations to ensure they meet the requirements of due diligence with regard to maintaining a safe work environment. U.S. and international laws have even gone so far as to recognize workplace bullying as its own form of harassment. Today, it is becoming common for businesses in almost every industry around the world to start providing their staff and employees with training designed to address and minimize the effects from incidents of workplace bullying.
Since the school shooting incident in Columbine there has been greater emphasis on stopping acts of school yard bullying. Many educational institutions around the world have implemented anti-bullying campaigns with great success. In each of these campaigns it is common to find at least one of the anti-bullying tactics specifically addressing the need for victims of bullying to say something as a way to verbally defend themselves.
In written form, verbal self defense is meant to address concepts such as cyber-bullying. This includes addressing hostile and hurtful messages posted on social networks such as Facebook and MySpace, as well as in online forums and chat rooms. With ongoing investigations into teen bullycides (a suicide caused as the result of depression from bullying, especially children) finding more than ever before the link directly to cyber-bullying by classmates, the need of verbal self defense skills for teens has led to a number of new books specifically addressing this subject.
Several people are considered to be significant contributors to the field of verbal self defense. These include people who were early pioneers to advocates for the importance of verbal defense skills, developers of new techniques for verbally defensive tactics, and nationally recognized and known trainers.